Monday, February 15, 2016
When I was little, I never thought much of the ocean.
It was big, dark, wet, scary, filled with strange creatures. The things my nightmares were made of. I am afraid of water, well, water I cannot see in. Dark, cold water. If I can't see the bottom, I wont go in.
Well, when I went to California back in 2012, I was excited to see someplace new. Though we didn't do much other than sleep, eat and lay on the beach, it was still an adventure for me. But the ocean... Oh That Ocean.
I couldn't see the end of it, and it was so dark, I was frightened, yet, mesmerized. Here I was, Just a dot, seeing for the first time how big this world was. I was awestruck. I teared up, I looked to the heavens and said, this is bigger than how much you love me?! This, as far as the East is from the West? From one horizon to the other. I was just, awestruck.
After we returned back to our daily lives, I was hooked. I always thought of the ocean, of the waves. The sound of the water rushing over the shore, the gulls crying in the air. The warmth of the sun reflecting off the white sand. Children giggling in the foam and seaweed. I longed to go back.
It wouldn't be until 3 years later that I would go back. Not to the same beach or part of the ocean. But back to a beach and see the ocean from a different point of view.
In May 2015, I went to Florida with my dad, little sister and her best friend. We went to swim with the manatees in Crystal River, then made our way from north to south then back up, all along the coast. The waters in Florida were clear, and a beautiful teal color that I cannot unsee. The sand was softer, The sun was warmer. My heart was better. This was a vacation I needed after my divorce. I was so unsettled, and my soul was restless. That was when I found out for the first time what Wanderlust felt like.
I was being drawn to go somewhere I have never been, nor ever thought of going. To be someplace new, meet new people, to just be new again. And I am better for it.
Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would put on a wet suit, go out on a boat at 6 o'clock in the morning, plunge into a cold fresh water river, and put my face under water and come face to face with the most adorable creature I've yet to meet, and touch it and almost ride on it as it swam underneath me and rose to the surface. I was terrified. My heart rate went sky high, my breathing was irregular, and I had the biggest smile on my face when my sister pulled my hand over to squishy, hairy boulder just inches in front of her. I reached for Lydias hand and did the same, when we all looked up at eachother, I couldn't tell if it was just water, or tears of joy, but the smiles we shared, and I was so thankful for my daddy. He paid for all of this, drove all night, woke us up, and was just as happy as we were. Just remembering all of this has me worked up.
And I'm Longing To Go Back.
Growing up, I always thought I was named after The Little Mermaid. We looked alike. Skinny, long red hair, could sing pretty well. But I couldn't swim to save my life. But I do like some water. Pools, baths, hottubs, streams. If I could see and touch the bottom, I was fine. The sound of running water soothes me. Feeling it wash over my skin, like it's washing all the bad in the world away is the best feeling in the world to me. But the Ocean. Those waves, will kill me. I got washed away in a wave in California. Was rolled and flipped, I didn't know which way was up or down. I panicked. I cried, I prayed. I even sent an I Love You to my family in my mind, thinking I wasn't going to make it back to the beach. But luckily, I floated, and made my way back. That was the first and last time I ever went into the water.
But, In Florida. Allison and I went out so far, the people on the beach looked like dots. We didn't realize this. We just kept walking and talking and watching our feet and looking for seastars and fish.
When we looked up, the water was up to our chins and only one thought came to mind for me, SHARKS! Time to go back, and quickly, I said to her and we swam, and laughed, and rode waves like we were mermaids. Smiles on our faces. Lydia thought we were crazy and dad did his, I should be upset with you but I just can't be cause look how happy you are, laugh. And we all sat together and watched the sunset over the water.
This winter I have wanderlust so bad, I can't sit still. I keep looking at all my pictures of my adventures from summer, and I am just beside myself I didn't do more. I didn't travel further. That I am living in an apartment instead of a pull around camper and seeing the world.
I do like my apartment and warm soft bed. I love being with Josh, and my job. But OH THE WANDERLUST!!
The Warm Sun...
I have made a promise to myself, that this summer, I would go somewhere new.
A Dessert, A Snow Capped Mountain, A Muggy Rainforest.
As long as it was new, I was going to go.
But for now, I have the memories, and those will do.
Many Warm Blessings To You.
Wednesday, February 03, 2016
Ever have those days where you just don't feel like you're good enough?
I have. A lot. Pretty much every day of my life.
Yeah, I can cook, yes I can take care of a small child or a 600 pound horse. But, I didn't learn that in a class room.
I was pulled from the public school system before I started fourth grade. My mom and I fought tooth and nail over school work. Both of us in tears by the end of the day and not one step closer to me knowing how to simplify fractions.
Instead we went to the unschool approach. Not a bad choice, but maybe not the best in the long run. I barely made it through high school with all my sanity and some basic form of knowledge. But I wasn't ready for college. I never took the GED or SAT or ACT. I always looked at colleges, almost had myself enrolled once, I was going to surprise everyone, then, I just didn't. I didn't feel smart enough.
"maybe I just like the IDEA of college."
Well I do. But what the heck would I do? As I'm sure you can tell by reading this, my grammer, spelling, and pretty much English skills are lacking. I can't do quick math in my head with out having a panic attack. And science.... Let's just say, No.
So what is there? Art, you need to take art history. Ok, oh and calculus, bio chemistry, know how to take apart a small twin engine plane, and Latin.
How about, Early Childhood Education! You need to be certified in C.P.R., know how to fly a jet, solve Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and how to deal with parents who don't know a darn thing about being a parent but somehow are so much better than any one else when it comes to kids.
So, I'm just not cut out for this.
I don't want to work in a corporate office, or be a medical surgeon.
I just want, to feel like, I'm enough.
I'm not into politics much. I don't even know where to begin to understand the presidential election. I'm not too big on talking religion with someone who is so closed minded that I just get pissed and want to cram the bible in their ear and hope the message sticks.
I know nothing about technology. So don't even try.
I see this video of this little three year old who memorized the periodic table of elements and here I am, struggling to fill out my resume to find a second job.
I'm just not good enough.
Anything I can do, won't pay my bills.
I've tried to start my own business. But while I'm waithing for that to take off, I have to work three jobs to pay rent.
All I've ever wanted to do with my life, was have a small homestead. Just an acre or two. Just big enough for a garden, some small farm animals, and my children. And be a good mother.
But, here I am. 25 divorced, and having to barrow money from my boyfriend to pay my rent and other bills.
Yeah, maybe I should have gone home after my divorce, lived with my dad and sister. But, I had to prove to myself I could do this on my own. And just when I thought I was making it, was coming out on top, BAM!, life just sucker punched me so hard, then took all my lunch money.
Story of my life right there.
I couldn't even celebrate my birthday with out worrying how I was going to pay the bills.
As always, it's winter, and I've got the blues.
The subject of me maybe going to school came up at my birthday dinner and it's been weighing on me ever sense.
I just honestly don't know what to do. Maybe go get my gen-eds out of the way, but then what? There are job opportunities after that. I've seen all my friends go to college and not get a job in the degree they have. My Ex for one example. It only took him three years to get degree in business, then one year to get a master's in business management. But, he is no where near where he wants to be. He found himself stuck, and just decided oh well.
I don't want to end up like that. If I go to college and graduate, I want to be able to transition into a job that I studied for. I would hate to be the alternative and have wasted all that time and money to just be stuck.
But, I guess these are just reasons. Me trying to talk myself out of the idea. Or so I've been told.
I'm smart. Just not college smart. So far I've been ok with that, but it seems more and more you have to have a college degree to even make friends.
I just don't know what to do or where to start.
I do need help and guidance. But I also feel pushed and forced into this.
I'm just not feeling good enough.