Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Feeling... Not Good Enough.

Ever have those days where you just don't feel like you're good enough?
I have. A lot. Pretty much every day of my life.
Yeah, I can cook, yes I can take care of a small child or a 600 pound horse. But, I didn't learn that in a class room.
I was pulled from the public school system before I started fourth grade. My mom and I fought tooth and nail over school work. Both of us in tears by the end of the day and not one step closer to me knowing how to simplify fractions.
Instead we went to the unschool approach. Not a bad choice, but maybe not the best in the long run. I barely made it through high school with all my sanity and some basic form of knowledge. But I wasn't ready for college. I never took the GED or SAT or ACT. I always looked at colleges, almost had myself enrolled once, I was going to surprise everyone, then, I just didn't. I didn't feel smart enough.
"maybe I just like the IDEA of college."
Well I do. But what the heck would I do? As I'm sure you can tell by reading this, my grammer, spelling, and pretty much English skills are lacking. I can't do quick math in my head with out having a panic attack. And science.... Let's just say, No.
So what is there? Art, you need to take art history. Ok, oh and calculus, bio chemistry, know how to take apart a small twin engine plane, and Latin.
How about, Early Childhood Education! You need to be certified in C.P.R., know how to fly a jet, solve Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and how to deal with parents who don't know a darn thing about being a parent but somehow are so much better than any one else when it comes to kids.
So, I'm just not cut out for this.
I don't want to work in a corporate office, or be a medical surgeon.
I just want, to feel like, I'm enough.
I'm not into politics much. I don't even know where to begin to understand the presidential election. I'm not too big on talking religion with someone who is so closed minded that I just get pissed and want to cram the bible in their ear and hope the message sticks.
I know nothing about technology. So don't even try.
I see this video of this little three year old who memorized the periodic table of elements and here I am, struggling to fill out my resume to find a second job.
I'm just not good enough.
Anything I can do, won't pay my bills.
I've tried to start my own business. But while I'm waithing for that to take off, I have to work three jobs to pay rent.
All I've ever wanted to do with my life, was have a small homestead. Just an acre or two. Just big enough for a garden, some small farm animals, and my children. And be a good mother.
But, here I am. 25 divorced, and having to barrow money from my boyfriend to pay my rent and other bills.
Yeah, maybe I should have gone home after my divorce, lived with my dad and sister. But, I had to prove to myself I could do this on my own. And just when I thought I was making it, was coming out on top, BAM!, life just sucker punched me so hard, then took all my lunch money.
Story of my life right there.
I couldn't even celebrate my birthday with out worrying how I was going to pay the bills.
As always, it's winter, and I've got the blues.
The subject of me maybe going to school came up at my birthday dinner and it's been weighing on me ever sense.
I just honestly don't know what to do. Maybe go get my gen-eds out of the way, but then what? There are job opportunities after that. I've seen all my friends go to college and not get a job in the degree they have. My Ex for one example. It only took him three years to get degree in business, then one year to get a master's in business management. But, he is no where near where he wants to be. He found himself stuck, and just decided oh well.
I don't want to end up like that. If I go to college and graduate, I want to be able to transition into a job that I studied for. I would hate to be the alternative and have wasted all that time and money to just be stuck.
But, I guess these are just reasons. Me trying to talk myself out of the idea. Or so I've been told.
I'm smart. Just not college smart. So far I've been ok with that, but it seems more and more you have to have a college degree to even make friends.
I just don't know what to do or where to start.
I do need help and guidance. But I also feel pushed and forced into this.
I'm just not feeling good enough.