Tuesday, September 08, 2015

From the Bottom of My Heart

Being self conscious problem... Only. Wanting to work out and get fit and feel good, worried someone will  see me. Wanting to lay out and bask in the sun, worried someone will see me. Wanting to wear the crop top I bought two summers ago, never wear it cause someone is sure to see me.
 This is a real problem with me and it's hindering. I can't even go work out with just Josh cause I don't want to be seen. I'm not strong. So I feel stupid when I try to work out at a gym cause I have everything on a low setting. I want to run but I guess the way I run is funny looking cause people stare. I don't want to be stared at. I just want... to be free of my own mind sometimes. To just shut the little voice off (the one that always says... they see you. You look funny to them. Just go home) I want to be free of this but I can't. It's all me. Yes it's me being embarrassed. No it's not a body issue. It's all mental to me. My thoughts keep me from doing things I want to do. I can't even go places alone cause I'm afraid of... people I guess. Seeing me alone. Judging me alone. Yes listening to music helps. Blocks out the world around me but it doesn't stop what's going on inside my head. So please don't go on about, you're beautiful. Love your body. Don't worry.
 It's not a self image problem.
It's a fear of new things and looking like a damn fool. thing.
 Yes I'm pretty. I get that. Yes I'm skinny. But that's not my problem. :( its so hard to communicate what it is exactly. It's just me I guess. Being hard on myself.

Art By. ME.